12 Days of Christmas Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col December 14 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes -------------------------------------- December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 16th Dearest John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes --------- December 17th Dearest John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes --------------------- December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes ---------------- December 20th John: What's with you and those stupid birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of rediculous joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with the birds already! Sincerely, Agnes ---------------- December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with eight maids a-milking. It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There are piles of poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just back off, IDIOT! Ag ---------------- December 22nd Hey Butthead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And sheesh - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screeh. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petetion to evict me. You'll get yours. ---------------- December 23rd You Louse: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. They've been fooling around with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicing the police on you. One who means it, Ag -------------------- December 24th Listen Lunkhead: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and then started with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the process. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister -------------------------------------- December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar) Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.