From David Letterman:
 

Signs That You've Hired A Bad
  Department Store Santa
 
 1) He's packin' heat.

 2) Keeps reminiscing about his vice
    presidency under George Bush.

 3) Whether they want it or not, gives
    every kid a crew cut.

 4) Keeps sending his elves out for
    more vermouth.

 5) Every day around 10 A.M., throws
    up on the down escalator.

 6) Charges $5.95 for the 1st minute,
    $2.95 each additional minute.

 7) Tries unsuccessfully to hide the
    fact that he's wearing handcuffs.

 8) After every toy request, says
    "Yeah, right".

 9) Tells the sales girls that "Me and
    Mrs. Claus have an understanding".

10) He wears the Santa costume all
    year round.
 


Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
 
 1) I can eat my weight in cocktail
    wieners.

 2) You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann
    wig.

 3) I get a thimbleful of tequila in
    me and I turn into a wild man.

 4) No, no.  I don't bake cookies.
    You're thinking of those dorks
    over at Keebler.

 5) I'm a magical being.  Take off
    your bra.

 6) I have certain needs that can't be
    satisfied by working on toys.

 7) I can get you off the naughty list.

 8) I was once a lawn ornament for John
    Bon Jovi.

 9) Just because I've got bells on my
    shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy.

10) I'm down here.