Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary
                Page 1
 
Acknowledgements to Bruce Tonkin,
T.N.T. Software Inc.,
34069 Hainesville Road,
Round Lake, IL, 60073
(312)-223-8595,

for his article in Dec '87 COMPUTER
PEOPLE Monthly, from which this is
copied.  This file may be freely
distributed, but not for profit, etc.

 
Advanced: (adj.) doesn't work yet, but
  it's pretty close.  See: bug, glitch.
 
Analyst: (n.) one who writes programs
  and doesn't trust them. A cynic.
 
Assembler: (n.) a minor program of
  interest only to obsessed
  programmers.
 
BASIC: (n.) a computer one-word
  oxymoron.
 
BBS: (n.) a system fo connecting
  computers and exchanging gossip,
  facts, and uninformed speculation
  under false names.
 
Benchmark: (n.) a test written
  ostensibly to compare hardware or
  software, but actually used by
  manufacturers to misinterpret or
  quote out of context in
  advertisements.
 
Binary: (n.) a two-valued logic
  especially susceptible to glitches
  and bugs.  It originated as a way of
  counting on the thumbs, since
  programming managers usually find
  fingers far too confusing.
  See: Hexadecimal, Octal.
 
Bug: (n.) any program feature not yet
  described to the marketing
  department.
 
Bus: (n.) a connector you plug money
  into, something like a slot machine.
 
Byte: (n.) eight bits, or one dollar
  (in 1950 terms).  Presently worth
  about two-tenths of a cent and
  falling fast.
 
C: (n.) the language following A & B.
  The world still awaits D and E.
  By Z, it may be acceptable for
  general use.
 
Chip: (n.) a stylized picture of a
  logic diagram on refined and alloyed
  sand.  See: glitch, bug.
 
COBOL: (n.) an old computer language,
  designed to be read and not run.
  Unfortunately, it is often run
  anyway.
 
Code: (n.) a means of concealing bugs
  favored by programmers.  (v.) the
  process of concealing bugs by
  programming.
 
Cookie: (n.) any recondite message
  displayed by a time-shared system.
  The message is not often seen,
  because it only appears when the
  system is operating properly.
  Common cookies include the timeless
  "Murphy was an optimist" and "When in
  danger or in doubt, run in circles,
  scream and shout."
 
Copy Protection: (n.) a means of
  circumventing various rights granted
  by the Constitution so as to
  artificially inflate profits.
 
CPU: (n.) acronym for Central Purging
  Unit.  A device which discards or
  distorts data sent to it, sometimes
  returning more data and sometimes
  merely over-heating.
 
Crash: (v.) to terminate a program in
  the usual fashion, i.e. by locking up
  the computer or setting a fire at the
  printer. (n.) the process of such
  termination.
 
Data: (n.) raw information, esp. that
  supplied to the central purging unit
  for transformation and disposal.
 
Data Base Manager: (n.) any fast
  filing system which gives misleading
  answers.  Also see: menu, bug.
 
Diagnostic: (n.) a test foolishly but
  often believed to determine the
  reason for a particular failure.
  Competent professionals prefer the I
  Ching or phrenology.
 
Digital: (adj.) of or  pertaining to
  the fingers, esp. to counting on
  them.  See: Binary, Hexadecimal,
  Octal.
 
Documentation: (n.) a novel sold with
  software, designed to entertain the
  operator during episodes of bugs or
  glitches.
 
DOS: (n.) Acronym. a program which
  outputs questions given answers,
  putting users in jeopardy.
 
Emulate: (v.) to simulate hardware
  glitches with software bugs.

Emulator: (n.) a program which
  emulates.  See: Virtual.
 
Engineer: (v.) to build something with
  bugs (software) or glitches (hard-
  ware).  (n.) One who engineers.
 
Format: (v.) to erase irrevocably and
  unintentionally.  (n.) The process
  of such erasure.
 
Forth: (n.) a stack-oriented
  programming language written right to
  left and read from bottom to top.  It
  runs efficently on no common
  computers and is written effectively
  by no common programmers.
 
FORTRAN: (n.) an ancient programming
  language which changed IF's to GOTO's
  by using a strange three-valued logic
  on binary computers.
 
Glitch: (n.) an undocumented design
  feature, esp. of hardware.
 
GOTO: (n.) an efficient and general
  way of controlling a program, much
  despised by academics and others
  whose brains have been ruined by
  overexposure to Pascal.
  See: Pascal.
 
Hard Disk: (n.) a rapidly spinning
  platter divided into sectors.
  See:  Sector, Glitch, Bug.
 
 
 
Hardware: (n.) anything prone to
  physical failure.
 
Head: (n.) the part of a disk drive
  which detects sectors and decides
  which of the two possible values to
  return: 'lose a turn' or 'bankrupt.'
 
Hexadecimal: (adj.) of or refering to
  base-16 numbers - binary numbers
  grouped four digits at a time so as
  to quadruple the opportunity for
  glitches and bugs.  Originated as a
  means of counting on the fingers of
  one hand, using the thumb for the
  'carry.' Purists who don't like to
  use the thumb at all prefer 'octal.'
  See: Octal, Binary.
 
Icon: (n.) a complex, blurry, and
  easily misinterpreted pictorial
  representation of a single
  unambigious word.  Preferred by
  illiterates and semiliterates for
  these reasons, and by others
  because it slows most computers down
  so even a cretin with an IQ of 53 may
  justly feel superior.
 
Increment: (v.) to increase by one,
  except when segments are used; then,
  the increase may be by sixteen unless
  word mode addressing is used in which
  case the increase is by one or two,
  depending on the processor and
  whether the address is on an even
  boundary or such increase causes an
  overflow exception processor fault,
  which may either cause the program to
  crash or decrease by a large number
  instead of increase, depending the
  register used and the operation being
  attempted.
 
Iterate: (v.) to repeat an action for a
  potentially and often actually
  infinite number of times.
 
Joystick: (n.) a device essential for
  performing business tasks and
  training exercises esp. favored by
  pilots, tank commanders, riverboat
  gamblers, and medieval warlords.
 
K: (n., adj.) a binary thousand, which
  isn't a decimal thousand or even
  really a binary thousand (which is
  eight), but is the binary number
  closest to a decimal thousand.  This
  has proven so completely confusing
  that is has become a standard.
 
Kernal: (n.) a misspelling of 'kernel'
  used by beginning (funtionally
  illiterate) programmers, especially
  those with some knowledge of C.
 
Kernel: (n.) the core of a program,
  i.e. the source of all errors.  Thus
  the common misspelling, 'kernal.'
 
Keyboard: (n.) a device used by
  programmers to write software for a
  mouse or joystick and by operators
  for playing games such as 'word
  processing.'
 
Kludge: (v., adj., or n.) to fix a
  program in the usual way.
 
Leading Edge: (n., adj.) anything
  which uses advanced technology.
  See:  Advanced.
 
License: (n.) a covenant which tells
  the buyer that nothing has been pur-
  chased and that no refund, support,
  advice, or instruction may be
  anticipated and that no resale is
  permitted.  A modern way of saying
  "Thanks for all your money and
  goodbye," far less crude than "Stick
  'em up" but even more effective since
  the purchaser will often borrow the
  funds requested.
 
Logic: (n.) a system of determining
  truth or falsity, implication or
  exclusion, by means of a sort of
  binary Oneiromancy.
 
Loop: (n., v.) 1. a series of
  instructions to be iterated. 2. the
  process of iterating them.  Most
  loops are unintentional and can be
  quite droll.
 
Macro: (n.) a series of keystrokes
  used to simulate a missing but
  essential command.
 
Megabyte: (n.) more than you can
  comprehend and less than you'll need.
  See:  UNIX.
 
Megaherz: (n.) a way of measuring how
  well your computer matches the
  frequency of your local television
  channels.  Most computers perform
  exceptionally well on this test,
  especially the higher-quality
  foreign-made ones.
 
Menu: (n.) any list of choices, each of
  which is either unsatisfactory or in
  some fashion contradictory.
 
Micro-: (prefix) anything both very
  small and very expensive.
 
Mode: (n.) a way of forcing glitch or
  bug.
 
Modem: (n., v.) a device used to
  connect computers (see: BBS) or the
  process of transmitting data between
  or among computers, esp. for those
  unable or unwilling to speak.
 
Monitor: (n.) a sort of television with
  exceptionally poor picture quality
  and limited to a single very local
  station.
 
Motherboard: (n.) the hardware version
  of the software 'kernel.'
 
Mouse: (n.) an input device used by
  management to force computer users to
  keep at least a part of their desks
  clean.
 
Nano-: (prefix) a thousandth of a
  thousandth, but not a binary
  thousandth in either case.  Decimal
  is used for all very small
  measurements since no further
  confusion is necessary.
 
Octal: (n.) a base-8 counting system
  designed so that one hand may count
  upon the fingers of the other.
  Thumbs are not used, and the index
  finger is reserved for the 'carry.'
 
Offset: (n.) a method which permits
  access to any memory location in
  thousands of ways, each of which
  appears different but is not.  Used
  with segments.  See: Segment.
 
Operator: (n.) 1.  One who has no
  experience with computers.  2.  Any
  beginner, esp. one part of whose
  salary is paid in soft drinks and 
  processed salted food treated with
  dangerous and illegal drugs or
  preservatives.  Differs from a
  programmer in that a programmer will
  often take the dangerous and illegal
  drugs or preservatatives directly.
 
Pascal: (n.) a classroom project which
  was released before it could be
  graded - probably a good idea,
  considering.  One wishes the
  University had used a better system
  of academic controls.
 
Patch: (v.) to fix a program by
  changing bytes according to the rules
  of logic.  (n.) Any repair of this
  form.
 
Pirate: (v., n.) to steal software, or
  one who is such a thief.  True
  pirates see nothing wrong with
  thievery, having successfully
  forgotten or repressed all moral
  values.
 
Pop: (v.) to remove from an area of
  memory naively thought to be the
  stack in a futile attempt to keep a
  program running.
 
Portable: (adj.) that which can be
  physically moved more than a hundred
  yards by an unaided olympic athlete
  without permanent damage to that
  individual more than 50% of the
  time.
 
Printer: (n.) a small box attached to a
  computer and used to start fires in
  cold weather.
 
Procedure: (n.) a method of performing
  a program sub-task in an inefficient
  way by extensively using the stack
  instead of a GOTO. See: Pascal and C.
 
Processor: (n.) a device for converting
  sense to nonsense at the speed of
  electricity, or (rarely) the reverse.
 
Program: (n.) that which manipulates
  symbols rapidly with unforseen
  results.  Also: a bug's way of
  perpetuating bugs.
 
Programmer: (n.) 1.  one who writes
  programs and trusts them.  An
  optimist.  2.  Any employee who
  needs neither food nor sleep but
  exists on large quantities of
  caffeine, nicotine, sucrose, and
  machine-vended preservatives
  thinly disguised as foodstuffs.
 
Programming Language: (n.) a shorthand
  way of describing a series of bugs to
  a computer or a programmer.
 
Prompt: (n.) a computer request for a
  random operator error.  Also a game
  where the computer plays the part of
  Vanna White and the operator, a
  contestant.  There are no prizes for
  winning.
 
Push: (v.) to put into an area of
  memory believed to be the stack for
  the ostensible purpose of later
  retrieval.  Tonkin's rule: In any
  program there are always more
  'pushes' than 'pops.'
  See: Recursion.
 
Quantum leap: (adj.) literally, to move
  by the smallest amount theoretically
  possible.  In advertising, to move by
  the largest leap imaginable (in the
  mind of the advertiser).  There is no
  contradiction.
 
Recursion: (n.) a programming method
  which tests the limits of available
  memory in an iterative way by using
  the stack.  When the program fails,
  all memory has been used.  Memorize
  this definition, then see: Recursion.
 
Register: (n.) a part of the central
  purging unit used to distort or
  destroy incoming data by arbitrary
  rules.  See: Increment.
 
Relational: (adj.) purchased from, or
  sold to, blood kin.  See: True
  relational.
 
Sector: (n.) a disk arc on which is
  inscribed 'lose a turn' or
  'bankrupt.'  See: Hard disk, Head,
  Glitch.
 
Segment: (n.) a way of restricting or
  complicating access to memory in an
  attempt to break  a programmer's
  will to live.  Outlawed by both the
  A.S.P.C.A and the U.N. but still
  practiced in some backward areas of
  the world.  See: Offset.
 
Software: (n.) anything other than
  hardware.  That which hardware
  manufacturers can blame for physical
  failures.
 
Sort: (v.) to order a list of data in
  such a way as to destroy all
  relationships between the items.
  (n.) The process which accomplishes
  this, esp. if it takes a very long
  time.
 
Source Code: (n.) a record of a
  programmer's thought for a period of
  time.  A stream-of-consciousness
  novel or short story.
 
Spreadsheet: (n.) a way of forcing
  repeatable answers from insufficient
  data for superficial purposes.  Also,
  a game played during office hours by
  bored or restless yuppies.
 
Stack: (n.) any area of memory which
  grows and eventually destroys both
  code and data.  (v.) To place in
  such an area.
 
Standard: (n., adj.) a design target
  which manufacturers may embellish,
  improve upon, or ignore as they wish,
  so long as it can be used profitably
  in their advertising.
 
Transportable: (adj.) said of software
  - that which can be put on a new
  machine in less time than it took to
  write in the first place.  Said of
  hardware - that which can
  theoretically be moved more than ten
  feet in one minute by some
  combination of machinery or
  explosives.  The meanings are
  equivalent.
 
Truly relational: (adj.) relational,
  but where the paternity is indubitable.
 
TSR: (n.) acronym for Terminate and
  Stay Resident.  A way of turning a
  useless computer with plenty of
  memory into a computer with no
  memory at all.
 
Turbo-: (prefix) computer software
  which uses air under pressure
  (supplied by a special fan) to
  achieve high performance.
 
User-friendly: (adj.) trivialized,
  slow, incapable, and boring.
  See: Icon, Mouse.
 
UNIX: (n., v.) a DOS which needs more
  memory than you have and run more
  slowly than you can bear.  To UNIX:
  to grossly enlarge and slow down out
  of all proportion, esp. by using C.
 
User: (n.) one who knows from
  experience that programs cannot be
  trusted.  A realist.
 
Vendor: (n.) a manufacturer's lackey.
 
Virtual: (adj.) emulated.
  See: Emulate.
 
Warranty: (n.) a list of vendor's
  promises with carefully-worded
  exceptions which cancel each of the
  promises in turn.  See: License.
 
Windowing: (n., adj.) a way of making a
  large and easily-read display into
  many small, cluttered, and confusing
  ones.
 
Word Processor: (n.) A program which
  makes a $5,000 computer into a $250
  typewriter.  A computer game for
  beginning operators.
 
WORM: (n.) acronym for Write Once, Read
  Mangled.  Used to describe a normally
  functioning computer disk of the very
  latest design.
 
XYZZY: (n.) a common user prompt.
 
Yarrow: (n.) kind of stalks used by
  computer diagnosticians when
  performing the ritual of the I Ching.
  See: Diagnostics.
 
Zaxxon: (n.) a sophisticated simulation
  and design program used by the
  brightest programmers to test the
  consistency of internal logic and
  memory.  Management prefers to use
  games such as 'spreadsheet' for the
  same purpose.