Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary
                (cont'd)
 
 
Kernel: (n.) the core of a program,
  i.e. the source of all errors.  Thus
  the common misspelling, 'kernal.'
 
Keyboard: (n.) a device used by
  programmers to write software for a
  mouse or joystick and by operators
  for playing games such as 'word
  processing.'
 
Kludge: (v., adj., or n.) to fix a
  program in the usual way.
 
Leading Edge: (n., adj.) anything
  which uses advanced technology.
  See:  Advanced.
 
License: (n.) a covenant which tells
  the buyer that nothing has been pur-
  chased and that no refund, support,
  advice, or instruction may be
  anticipated and that no resale is
  permitted.  A modern way of saying
  "Thanks for all your money and
  goodbye," far less crude than "Stick
  'em up" but even more effective since
  the purchaser will often borrow the
  funds requested.
 
Logic: (n.) a system of determining
  truth or falsity, implication or
  exclusion, by means of a sort of
  binary Oneiromancy.
 
Loop: (n., v.) 1. a series of
  instructions to be iterated. 2. the
  process of iterating them.  Most
  loops are unintentional and can be
  quite droll.
 
Macro: (n.) a series of keystrokes
  used to simulate a missing but
  essential command.
 
Megabyte: (n.) more than you can
  comprehend and less than you'll need.
  See:  UNIX.
 
Megaherz: (n.) a way of measuring how
  well your computer matches the
  frequency of your local television
  channels.  Most computers perform
  exceptionally well on this test,
  especially the higher-quality
  foreign-made ones.
 
Menu: (n.) any list of choices, each of
  which is either unsatisfactory or in
  some fashion contradictory.
 
Micro-: (prefix) anything both very
  small and very expensive.
 
Mode: (n.) a way of forcing glitch or
  bug.
 
Modem: (n., v.) a device used to
  connect computers (see: BBS) or the
  process of transmitting data between
  or among computers, esp. for those
  unable or unwilling to speak.
 
Monitor: (n.) a sort of television with
  exceptionally poor picture quality
  and limited to a single very local
  station.
 
Motherboard: (n.) the hardware version
  of the software 'kernel.'
 
Mouse: (n.) an input device used by
  management to force computer users to
  keep at least a part of their desks
  clean.
 
Nano-: (prefix) a thousandth of a
  thousandth, but not a binary
  thousandth in either case.  Decimal
  is used for all very small
  measurements since no further
  confusion is necessary.
 
Octal: (n.) a base-8 counting system
  designed so that one hand may count
  upon the fingers of the other.
  Thumbs are not used, and the index
  finger is reserved for the 'carry.'
 
Offset: (n.) a method which permits
  access to any memory location in
  thousands of ways, each of which
  appears different but is not.  Used
  with segments.  See: Segment.
 
Operator: (n.) 1.  One who has no
  experience with computers.  2.  Any
  beginner, esp. one part of whose
  salary is paid in soft drinks and 
  processed salted food treated with
  dangerous and illegal drugs or
  preservatives.  Differs from a
  programmer in that a programmer will
  often take the dangerous and illegal
  drugs or preservatatives directly.
 
Pascal: (n.) a classroom project which
  was released before it could be
  graded - probably a good idea,
  considering.  One wishes the
  University had used a better system
  of academic controls.
 
Patch: (v.) to fix a program by
  changing bytes according to the rules
  of logic.  (n.) Any repair of this
  form.
 
Pirate: (v., n.) to steal software, or
  one who is such a thief.  True
  pirates see nothing wrong with
  thievery, having successfully
  forgotten or repressed all moral
  values.
 
Pop: (v.) to remove from an area of
  memory naively thought to be the
  stack in a futile attempt to keep a
  program running.
 
Portable: (adj.) that which can be
  physically moved more than a hundred
  yards by an unaided olympic athlete
  without permanent damage to that
  individual more than 50% of the
  time.
 
Printer: (n.) a small box attached to a
  computer and used to start fires in
  cold weather.
 
Procedure: (n.) a method of performing
  a program sub-task in an inefficient
  way by extensively using the stack
  instead of a GOTO. See: Pascal and C.
 
Processor: (n.) a device for converting
  sense to nonsense at the speed of
  electricity, or (rarely) the reverse.
 
Program: (n.) that which manipulates
  symbols rapidly with unforseen
  results.  Also: a bug's way of
  perpetuating bugs.
 
Programmer: (n.) 1.  one who writes
  programs and trusts them.  An
  optimist.  2.  Any employee who
  needs neither food nor sleep but
  exists on large quantities of
  caffeine, nicotine, sucrose, and
  machine-vended preservatives
  thinly disguised as foodstuffs.
 
Programming Language: (n.) a shorthand
  way of describing a series of bugs to
  a computer or a programmer.
 
Prompt: (n.) a computer request for a
  random operator error.  Also a game
  where the computer plays the part of
  Vanna White and the operator, a
  contestant.  There are no prizes for
  winning.
 
Push: (v.) to put into an area of
  memory believed to be the stack for
  the ostensible purpose of later
  retrieval.  Tonkin's rule: In any
  program there are always more
  'pushes' than 'pops.'
  See: Recursion.
 
Quantum leap: (adj.) literally, to move
  by the smallest amount theoretically
  possible.  In advertising, to move by
  the largest leap imaginable (in the
  mind of the advertiser).  There is no
  contradiction.
 
Recursion: (n.) a programming method
  which tests the limits of available
  memory in an iterative way by using
  the stack.  When the program fails,
  all memory has been used.  Memorize
  this definition, then see: Recursion.
 
Register: (n.) a part of the central
  purging unit used to distort or
  destroy incoming data by arbitrary
  rules.  See: Increment.
 
Relational: (adj.) purchased from, or
  sold to, blood kin.  See: True
  relational.
 
Sector: (n.) a disk arc on which is
  inscribed 'lose a turn' or
  'bankrupt.'  See: Hard disk, Head,
  Glitch.