Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary
             (cont'd again..)
 
 
Segment: (n.) a way of restricting or
  complicating access to memory in an
  attempt to break  a programmer's
  will to live.  Outlawed by both the
  A.S.P.C.A and the U.N. but still
  practiced in some backward areas of
  the world.  See: Offset.
 
Software: (n.) anything other than
  hardware.  That which hardware
  manufacturers can blame for physical
  failures.
 
Sort: (v.) to order a list of data in
  such a way as to destroy all
  relationships between the items.
  (n.) The process which accomplishes
  this, esp. if it takes a very long
  time.
 
Source Code: (n.) a record of a
  programmer's thought for a period of
  time.  A stream-of-consciousness
  novel or short story.
 
Spreadsheet: (n.) a way of forcing
  repeatable answers from insufficient
  data for superficial purposes.  Also,
  a game played during office hours by
  bored or restless yuppies.
 
Stack: (n.) any area of memory which
  grows and eventually destroys both
  code and data.  (v.) To place in
  such an area.
 
Standard: (n., adj.) a design target
  which manufacturers may embellish,
  improve upon, or ignore as they wish,
  so long as it can be used profitably
  in their advertising.
 
Transportable: (adj.) said of software
  - that which can be put on a new
  machine in less time than it took to
  write in the first place.  Said of
  hardware - that which can
  theoretically be moved more than ten
  feet in one minute by some
  combination of machinery or
  explosives.  The meanings are
  equivalent.
 
Truly relational: (adj.) relational,
  but where the paternity is indubitable.
 
TSR: (n.) acronym for Terminate and
  Stay Resident.  A way of turning a
  useless computer with plenty of
  memory into a computer with no
  memory at all.
 
Turbo-: (prefix) computer software
  which uses air under pressure
  (supplied by a special fan) to
  achieve high performance.
 
User-friendly: (adj.) trivialized,
  slow, incapable, and boring.
  See: Icon, Mouse.
 
UNIX: (n., v.) a DOS which needs more
  memory than you have and run more
  slowly than you can bear.  To UNIX:
  to grossly enlarge and slow down out
  of all proportion, esp. by using C.
 
User: (n.) one who knows from
  experience that programs cannot be
  trusted.  A realist.
 
Vendor: (n.) a manufacturer's lackey.
 
Virtual: (adj.) emulated.
  See: Emulate.
 
Warranty: (n.) a list of vendor's
  promises with carefully-worded
  exceptions which cancel each of the
  promises in turn.  See: License.
 
Windowing: (n., adj.) a way of making a
  large and easily-read display into
  many small, cluttered, and confusing
  ones.
 
Word Processor: (n.) A program which
  makes a $5,000 computer into a $250
  typewriter.  A computer game for
  beginning operators.
 
WORM: (n.) acronym for Write Once, Read
  Mangled.  Used to describe a normally
  functioning computer disk of the very
  latest design.
 
XYZZY: (n.) a common user prompt.
 
Yarrow: (n.) kind of stalks used by
  computer diagnosticians when
  performing the ritual of the I Ching.
  See: Diagnostics.
 
Zaxxon: (n.) a sophisticated simulation
  and design program used by the
  brightest programmers to test the
  consistency of internal logic and
  memory.  Management prefers to use
  games such as 'spreadsheet' for the
  same purpose.