Ways To Get Rid Of Blind Dates
(And Other Social Catastrophes)

 
o At dinner, guard your plate with
  fork and steak knife, so as to give
  the impression that you'll stab
  anyone, including the waiter, who
  reaches for it.

o Collect the salt shakers from all of
  the tables in the restaurant, and
  balance them in a tower on your
  table.

o Wipe your nose on your date's
  sleeve.  Twice.

o Make funny faces at other patrons,
  then sneer at their reactions.

o Repeat every third third word you
  say say.

o Give your claim to fame as being
  voted "Most Festerous" for your high
  school yearbook.

o Read a newspaper or book during the
  meal.  Ignore your date.

o Stare at your date's neck, and grind
  your teeth audibly.

o Twitch spastically.  If asked about
  it, pretend you don't know what
  they are talking about.

o Stand up every five minutes, circle
  your table with your arms
  outstretched, and make airplane
  sounds.

o Order a bucket of lard.

o Ask for crayons to color the
  placemat.  This works very well in
  fancier venues that use linen
  tablecloths.

o Howl and whistle at womens' legs,
  especially if you are female.

o Recite your dating history.
  Improvise.  Include pets.

o Pull out a harmonica and play blues
  songs when your dates begin talking
  about themselves.

o Sacrifice French fries to the great
  deity, Pomme.

o When ordering, inquire whether the
  restaurant has any live food.

o Without asking, eat off your date's
  plate.  Eat more from their plate
  than they do.  Drool.

o Chew with your mouth open, talk
  with your mouth full and spray
  crumbs.

o Eat everything on your plate within
  30 seconds of it being placed in
  front of you.

o Excuse yourself to use the restroom.
  Go back to the head waiter/hostess
  and ask for another table in a
  different part of the restaurant.
  Order another meal.  When your date
  finally finds you, ask him/her "What
  in the hell took you so long in the
  restroom?!?"

o Recite graphic limericks to the
  people at the table next to you.

o Ask the people at the neighboring
  table for food from their plates.

o Beg your date to tattoo your name on
  his/her derriere.  Keep bringing the
  subject up.

o Ask your date how much money they
  have with them.

o Order for your date.  Order
  something nasty.

o Communicate in mime the entire
  evening.

o Upon entering the restaurant, ask
  for a seat away from the windows,
  where you have a good view of all
  exits, and where you can keep your
  back to the wall.  Act nervous.

o Lick your plate.  Offer to lick
  his/hers.

o Hum.  Loudly.  In monotone.

o Fill your pockets with sugar
  packets, as well as salt and pepper
  shakers, silverware, floral
  arrangements... i.e anything on the
  table that isn't bolted down.

o Hold a debate.  Take both sides.

o Undress your date verbally.  Use a
  bullhorn.

o Auction your date off for
  silverware.

o Slide under the table.  Take your
  plate with you.

o Order a baked potato for a side
  dish.  When the waiter brings your
  food, hide the potato, wait a few
  minutes, and ask the waiter for
  the potato you "never got".  When
  the waiter returns with another
  potato for you, have the first one
  back up on the plate.  Repeat
  later in the meal.

o Order beef tongue.  Make lewd
  comparisons or comments.

o Get your date drunk.  Talk about
  their philosophy.  Get it on tape,
  and use good judgement in editing to
  twist their words around.

o Discuss boils and lesions, as if
  from personal experience.

o Speak in pig latin throughout the
  meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or
  just nonsense).

o Take a break, and go into the
  restroom.  When you return to the
  table, throw a spare pair of
  underwear on the back of one of the
  chairs. Insist that they just need
  airing out.

o If they are paying, order the most
  expensive thing on the menu.  Take
  one bite.

o Bring 20 or so candles you, and
  during the meal get up and arrange
  them around the table in a circle.
  Chant.

o Save the bones from your meal, and
  explain that you're taking them
  home to your invalid, senile old
  mother, because it's a lot cheaper
  than actually feeding her.

o Order your food by colors and
  textures.  Sculpt.

o Take a thermos along, and hide it
  under the table.  Order coffee, and
  fill the thermos one cup at a time,
  taking advantage of free refills.

o Insist that the waiter cuts your
  food into little pieces.  In a
  similar vein, insist that he take a
  bite of everything on the plate,
  to make sure no one poisoned it.

o Accuse your date of espionage.

o Make odd allusions to dangerous
  religious cults.

o Don't use any verbs during the
  entire meal.

o Pass the hat in the restaurant.
  Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the
  bill.

o Break wind loudly.  Add color
  commentary.  Bow.

o Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls
  you've brought along.

o Bring a bucket along.  Explain that
  you frequently get ill.