My weight is my shepherd;
I shall not want low-calorie foods.
It maketh me to munch on potato chips
  and bean dip;
It leadeth me into 31 Flavors;
It restoreth my soul food;
It leadeth me in the paths of cream
  puffs in bakeries.
Yea, though I waddle through the
  valley of weight watchers,
I will fear no skimmed milk;
For my appetite is with me;
My Hostess "Twinkies" and "Ding Dongs,"
  they comfort me;
They anointeth my body with calories;
My scale tippeth over!
Surely chubbiness and contentment shall
  follow me
All the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of
Mrs. Smith's pies...forever!
  
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DIET TIPS
 
1.  If you eat something and no one
    sees you eat it, it has no
    calories.

2.  If you drink a diet soda with a
    candy bar, the calories in the
    candy bar are cancelled out by the
    diet soda.

3.  When you eat with someone else, the
    calories don't count if you both
    eat the same amount.

4.  Food used for medicinal purpose
    NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate
    brandy, toast, and Sarah Lee
    Cheesecake.

5.  If you fatten up everyone else
    around you, then you look thinner.

6.  Movie-related foods do not have
    additional calories because they
    are part of the entire
    entertainment package and not part
    of one's personal fuel, such as
    Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior
    Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls.

7.  Cookie pieces contain NO calories.
    The process of breakage causes
    caloric leakage.

8.  Things licked off of knives and
    spoons have no calories if you are
    in the process of preparing
    something for others.  Examples:
    Peanut butter on a knife making a
    sandwich and ice cream on a spoon
    making a sundae.

9.  Foods that have the same color
    have the same number of calories.
    Examples are spinach and pistachio
    ice cream, mushrooms and white
    chocolate.  NOTE: Chocolate is a
    universal color and may be
    substituted for any other food
    color.
 
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