Microsoft Buys 1995

News Flash: Windows 95 WILL be on TIME.

In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that
he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced
instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1995.

"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't
change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of
spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just
to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it
shipped for what will be the new 1995."

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out
the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is being
disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one
change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."

A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch
for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates would likely use
this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft.
Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to
represent his rickety cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his
purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit,
Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity
conglomerates."

"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early
resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the
exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind
rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at
least 6 days without sleeping.

"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would
be able to ship Windows 95 on time."

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