@SUBJECT:More from the One-liner file (1/3) [Note - what follows is the first part of the one-liner file. As with all r.h.f. "digests", the jokes contained herein are "sub-standard" jokes (with apologies to the authors) - jokes which are funny, but which don't really warrant posting by themselves.] = = = = = From: sross2@gl.umbc.edu (Sarah Ross) Subject: Gump Math A math teacher at my brother's school held a Creative Writing in Mathematics contest. Students were asked to finish the sentence "Math is like a box of chocolates..." The grand prize winning entry was submitted by a sixth grader: "Math is like a box of chocolates - it's best when you use your fingers." = = = = = From: anthony@aaii.oz.au (Anthony Baxter) Organization: australian artificial intelligence institute Subject: UN forces in Somalia Heard on radio station JJJ's breakfast show this morning: Whats the difference between the UN forces in Somalia and Teddy Kennedy? Teddy Kennedy has had one confirmed kill. = = = = = From: kar@cs.rit.edu (Kenneth A Reek) Subject: Movie Madness (original, inspired by a recent r.h.f ballad on the subject) Those who claim that seeing things in movies does not affect what people do in real life may have to reconsider their position: look at what Lorena Bobbitt did after seeing "Free Willy"... = = = = = From: rwatkins@crl.com (Malor) Subject: father's day one-liner, original. Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day was. "Easy," I answered. "It's nine months before Mother's Day." = = = = = From: wessels@delni.enet.dec.com (Brian Wessels, 226-6226) Subject: Microsoft ads Recently I've been seeing lots vague of Microsoft ads on TV, with the tag line, "Where do you want to go today?" My immediate response was, "Chicago. But I can't get there until August!" = = = = = From: znmeb@teleport.com Subject: The Millenium Cometh What if they put freshness dates on code? "MVS -- Best if used before December 31, 1999." = = = = = From: arsenp@nbnet.nb.ca (Paul Arsenault) Yea, yea, you've probably heard it before, but... Two termites walk into a bar and one says, "Is the bartender here?" = = = = = From: drosoff@taos.arc.unm.edu (That guy...you know!) Subject: What is in Sprite, anyway? You know what they say about Sprite ... Two-thirds of it is Spit. = = = = = From: jwilk@zip.sbi.com (Jennifer A. Wilk) Subject: America - The Land of Opportunity Heard this from a friend who heard it from a friend.... Regarding Micheal Jackson --- Only in a America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman. = = = = = From: rc5x+@andrew.cmu.edu (Robert M Chittister) Subject: When she just wants to be friends I was recently telling a friend of mine about a rectent romantic endeavour. I told him that first she asked me not to push her into making a decision on our relationship, but I couldn't wait, so she turned me down. My friend said "OK, so you backed off, then you backed on, and then you were backed over." = = = = = = = From: kleinjan@fwi.uva.nl (Albert Kleinjan (BIS94)) Subject: Silly pilots After landing his 747 plane on JFK airport, the captain says to his co-pilot: "Pheeeew, this is certainly the shortest landingstip I've ever seen!" Co-pilot: "Yes but it is certainly one of the widest" A joke form a dutch comedian Freek de Jonge. = = = = = From: skip%vikings@bts.com (Skippy the Wondermous) Organization: Upper Merion Area High School Subject: Record Albums... I was at a concert for the band God Lives Underwater at the Khyber Pass Bar in Philly the other day. One of the openints for GLU was a baoqoqnd named "Maids of Gravity," where the bassest was heard saying... "We've got 4 records out...all same title...all same artwork..." = = = = = From: sheba@panix.com (Insect God) Subject: A man walks into a bar Overheard on the New York subway: It's 1972, and Jesus comes into a disco. He pays the cover, but he just can't seem to score, every song that comes on he moves like a dead white guy. So after a while he takes a break, buttonholes the bartender and says, "Darn it! I've risen, and I can't get down!" = = = = = From: patterso@astrosun.tn.cornell.edu (Tim Patterson) Subject: Follow up joke... After reading a recent joke on here, from Jonathan Katz, I came up with a twist on it. Q: So, if people that love the English are called Anglophiles, and people that love the French are Francophiles, what are people that love Americans called? A: Americans. = = = = = Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. The "executive moderator" is Brad Templeton. Please! No copyrighted stuff. Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics, Clinton/Yeltsin/Gates meets God, or "OJ will walk" jokes.