@SUBJECT:More from the One-liner file (2/3)                           

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From: lmartin@netcom.com (Lee Martin)
Subject: What do you get when...

I heard this from my sister who heard it from a friend who heard it from...

What do you get when you cross a mafia boss with a performance artist?

Someone who can make you an offer that you just can't understand.

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From: ecort@wane3.scri.fsu.edu (Eldon B. Cort)

Seen on a truck in Tallahassee was the motto for a plumber.

"The Number 1 man in the Number 2 business."

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From: zetie@vax.ox.ac.uk (The Edible Dormouse)
Subject: A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong...
"You've got a broken finger!"

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From: ssatchell@bix.com
Subject: This one has been going around

Bumper sticker in Arkansas:

"If you can read this, you ain't from around here."

(Heard in a bar -- which means it's going around *fast*)

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From: djc@cc.umanitoba.ca (D. Joseph Creighton)
Subject: American Independence

[Heard on a local radio station (QX104 FM in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada)]

Just as we celebrated Canada Day this past July 1st, Americans are now
celebrating their independence from the British today.

Now if only they can work on their independence from the Japanese...

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From: sistersdtp@aol.com (SistersDTP)
Subject: New 12-step Group

Heard from caller on local radio talk show:

"I had a problem with talking too much, so I joined a new 12-step group:
Onandonanon."

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From: ke6isf@outlander (Dennis Allen Carr)
Subject: Quote by Susan Vass

This was also spotted in same trivia column by LM Boyd.  (I love this 
guy!)

Said that wit Susan Vass:
"I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco Sauce."

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From: n1ist@netcom.com (Michael L. Ardai)
Subject: speed limits

From the RHF 1-liner file:
186,000 Miles per second.  It's not just a good idea, it's the Law.

Seen at a science fiction convention:
186,000 Miles per second.  It's not the law, it's a challenge!

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From: alek@best.com (DownerMan)
Subject: I'm into...

A charming conversation-starter by a woman named Barbara whom I
met at a concert in Santa Cruz this weekend:

"I'm into domestic violence, but world peace."

(She said her ex-boyfriend really hated that line...)

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From: johnc@vexcel.com (John Card II)
Subject: Gun control (both ways)

Unless the little tin-foil cap is not keeping the mind-control rays
away, the following is original:

When the only tool you have is a gun, every problem tends to look like
a liberal.

A coworker heard this, and responded:
When the only tool you have is a gun, every problem tends to look like
the B.A.T.F.

(These are twists on the adage "When the only tool you have is a hammer,
every problem tends to look like a nail.")

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From: jcwelch@infohwy.com
Subject: Mammoth Cave

The ranger giving our tour said that on of the more common 
questions that people ask about the park is:
 "How much of Mammoth Cave is underground?"

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From: LS.BANZAI@applelink.apple.com (Lightsource Computer Images,PRT)
Subject: Airline humor

The recent note from the SouthWest flight (greg@pomona.claremont.edu)
reminded me of a comment by the attendant on a PSA flight to LA:
 
"If you would like to smoke, please feel free to step outside."
 
[Apparently PSA crew were known for humor -- as I recall "catch our
smile" was their motto, and the planes had big smiley faces painted on
them. When they got merged into another airline, the policy was terminated.]
 
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From: DBOG1@aol.com
Subject: Inferiority Complex

Saw this quote on alt.quotations and thought I'd pass it on.  Lost the
attribution, though.

"I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one."

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From: DBOG1@aol.com
Subject: Inherit the Earth

Another quote for the one liner file.
Unattributed, as well.

"The meek shall inherit the Earth, if that's all right with you."

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Selected by Jim Griffith.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@clari.net
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.