Red Riding Hood

(Politically Correct Version)
 
   There once was a young person named
Red Riding Hood who lived with her
mother on the edge of a large wood.
One day, her mother asked her to take
a basket of fresh fruit and mineral
water to her grandmother's house,
not because this was woman's work,
mind you, but because the deed was
generous and helped engender a feeling
of community.  Furthermore, her
grandmother was not sick, but rather
was in full physical and mental health
and was fully capable of taking care
of herself as a mature adult.

   So Red Riding Hood set off with her
basket of food through the woods.
Many people she knew believed that the
forest was a forboding and dangerous
place and never set foot in it.  Red
Riding Hood, however, was so confident
in her own budding sexuality that such
obvious Freudian imagery did not
hinder her.

   One her way to Grandma's house, Red
Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf,
who asked her what was in her basket.
She replied, "Some healthful snacks
for my grandmother, who is certainly
capable of taking care of herself as a
mature adult."

   The Wolf said, "You know, my dear,
it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone."

   Red Riding Hood said, "I find your
sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because
of your traditional status as an
outcast from society, the stress of
which has caused you to develop your
own, entirely valid world view.  Now,
if you'll excuse me, I must be on my
way."

   Red Riding Hood walked on along the
main path.  But, because his status
outside society had freed him from
slavish adherence to linear, Western
style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house.  He
burst into the house, and ate Grandma,
an entirely valid course of action for
a carnivore such as himself.  Then,
unhampered by rigid, traditionalist
notions of what was masculine or
feminine, he put on Grandma's
nightclothes and crawled into bed.

   Red Riding Hood entered the cottage
and said, "Grandma, I have brought you
some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to
salute you in your role of a wise and
nurturing matriarch."

   From the bed, the Wolf said softly,
"Come closer, child, so that I might
see you."

   Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot
you are as optically challenged as a
bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you
have!"

   "They have seen much, and forgiven
much, my dear."

   "Grandma, what a big nose you have,
only relatively, of course, and
certainly attractive in its own way."

   "It has smelled much and forgiven
much, my dear."

   "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

   The Wolf said, "I am happy with who
I am and what I am," and leaped out of
bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in
his claws, intent on devouring her.
Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of
alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency
toward cross-dressing, but because of
his willful invasion of her personal
space.

   Her screams were heard by a passing
wood chopper-person (or log-fuel
technician, as he preferred to be
called).  When he burst into the
cottage, he saw the melee and tried to
intervene.  But as he raised his ax,
Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both
stopped.

   "And, what do you think you're
doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.

   The wood chopper-person blinked and
tried to answer, but no words came to
him.

   "Busting in here like a Neanderthal,
trusting your weapon to do your
thinking for you!," she said.  "Sexist!
Speciesist!  How dare you assume that
women and wolves can't solve their own
problems without a man's help!"

   When she heard Red Riding Hood's
speech, Grandma jumped out of the
Wolf's mouth, took the wood chopper
person's ax, and cut his head off.

After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood,
Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain
commonality of purpose. They decided
to set up an alternative household
based on mutual respect and
cooperation, and they lived together
in the woods happily ever after.
 
The end.