From: Tom Comeau @ Space Teles
  Subj: NASA Downsizing proposals
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Space Telescope Science Institute

[This is circulating at the Space Telescope Science Institute, which
operates the Hubble Space Telescope for NASA.]

(from an unknown source ...)  

House to Downsize Solar System
A Press Release

Bob Haberle  reporting.

WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA oversight, in
another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to
downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, 
House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar 
system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is 
long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this 
would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the 
funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer.

"Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart 
(R,Del.), "and only one of them really works!  So why not get rid of the 
other two and clean up the neighborhood?"  Most subcommittee members felt 
that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars 
and Venus was going too far. "We have too many international commitments 
to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars 
and dump Venus.  Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using 
it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and
practical point of view, Venus has got to go."

Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its
small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked
Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So
what good is  it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of
useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've 
seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and 
for all."

However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial
planets.  The resolution also calls for a reduction in the  number of gas
giants which contain most of the planetary mass in  the solar system. Most
subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating
Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter  employs the most molecules, and Saturn has 
those pretty little rings everyone likes." said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). 
"On the other hand, Uranus is a bore  and its rings are dirty. And 
Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far  away. So begone with those 
ugly bruisers."

But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly
announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by
NASA's success thus  far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn,
alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't no
Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he  exclaimed. The congressman also
expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian
surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter
this December).

The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed
a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do without." 
continued For now. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun.  Now 
its not.  Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two 
planets instead of one. 
What the hell is going on here?"

The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is
expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have
constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Golden has vowed
to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that
"NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster,
and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were
downsized" stated Golden.

Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce
the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be
revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be
constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely
to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long
opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is
far from resolved.


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