From: Funny Guy Subj: The True News Digest part 1 Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny [Note - What follows is part 1 of the True News Digest - a collection of true- life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: shah@santur.tay1.dec.com (Amitabh Shah) Organization: Transaction Processing Systems Subject: Non-violence This is paraphrased from today's (11/26) NPR Morning Edition News. The US govt. is trying to pass a resolution through the Security Council of the UN that Iraq withdraw from Kuwait by January 1st, else ... The US govt. is confident that the resolution will pass, although there is some fear that China may not support it. Beijing is against the use of force, the correspondent said. = = = = = = = From: V134HHHY@ubvms.UUCP Subject: Sign! Sign! Everywhere a sign! On a recent trip to San Diego, I was AMAZED at the silly signs posted. At the San Diego Zoo, bordering a school playground: HOMO-SAPIENS AT PLAY At a resturaunt: STOP VALET PARKING I never realized that San Diego was against valet parking so much. . . = = = = = = = From: sethb@morgan.com (Seth Breidbart) Subject: true billboard On a recent trip to London, near Heathrow Airport I saw a billboard that read: TWA Flights to the United States and California = = = = = = = From: oliver@ecn.purdue.edu (T. Tim Hsu) Subject: Cops are people too... Last year, some guy pulled a knife on a female counselor at my dorm. Spike, a friend of mine, just happened to be around, so he grabbed the first thing he could find (a battery) and TKOed the guy with the knife. Unfortuantly, a cop saw the whole thing and arrested my friend. Once they were in the car, the following conversation took place ... Spike: "Damn, going to jail again." Cop: "No you're not, I just had to make it look good." ... and he proceed to drop Spike off about a mile away. = = = = = = = From: SLEWIS@drew.UUCP (Sarah Lewis) Subject: grocery bag humor While waiting in the check-out line at a local supermarket, I noticed the following message on the front of a brown grocery bag: SHOP-RITE PROUDLY SUPPORTS MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY And this fact will HELP increase business?? = = = = = = = From: victor@concour.cs.concordia.ca Subject: True News Item Seen in a 1990-91 Vermont cross-country skiing center flyer: The Blueberry Hill X-C Touring Center: A variety of terrain through the Green Mountain National Forest; all abilities; home of the American Ski Marathon and Pig Race. = = = = = = = From: karn@thumper.bellcore.com (Phil Karn) Subject: another naive user On the subject of "naive PC users", here's another classic story. Dunno where it came from. It may even be apocryphal, but it's still a good one. Telephone support person: "Okay, now all you have to do is to take the distribution diskette out of its little paper jacket and insert it into the disk drive with the slot facing the rear. Got that?" Naive user: "Okay". S.P.: "Now close the door." N.U.: "What?" S.P.: "Close the door." N.U.: "How will that help?" S.P. (somewhat exasperated): "Just do it, please?" N.U.: "Okay, but I don't understand why!" Whereupon the support person hears the sound of the user's phone being dropped on the desk, followed by footsteps and the sound of an office door being slammed shut... = = = = = = = From: gt1598c@prism.gatech.edu (WHALEY,PATRICK NOLAN) Subject: PC Home Shopping Heard this on a cable home shopping network: 'Don't be fooled folks...with this PC compatible machine you geta full 5.25" disk drive, not one of the smaller 3.5" drives you'll see elsewhere.' = = = = = = = From: mstranz@drew.edu Organization: Drew University Subject: stupidity I was reminded of something funny that happened to my friend about the time that Burger King was having their special, "2 burgers for a buck": My friend went over to the counter, looked at the menu and asked: "How much is 2 burgers for a buck?" Even funnier, the girl answered him, "one dollar." Talk about idiotic. I guess you just had to be there. :) = = = = = = = From: rocky@hpfcmk.fc.hp.com (Rocky Craig) Organization: Hewlett-Packard Workstation Group, Marketing Event Tech. Support Subject: Job application blues A true story, for the next "true news" volume. My sister, a college student, works for one of those convenience stores. During a typical shift, several people will come in and request employment applications. They usually fill them out there in the store. One prospective employee was taking a long time filling out her form. She finally asked my sister, "Whut's a ree-FUR-ence?" * My sister quickly replied, "Don't worry. You won't be needing one." * in case the written form didn't get the word across, it's "reference". = = = = = = = From: rtravsky@uwyo.bitnet (Richard W Travsky) Organization: University of Wyoming, Division of Information Technology Subject: The Feds and Traveling From a recent Jack Anderson column comes the tale of a travel agency that handled travel plans for various federal agencies. The head of the agency complained about the agencies being not only wasteful but "downright stupid". A couple of cases in point: - One federal travel coordinator was trying to find the town of "Vicinity", having been told to book flights to "St. Louis and Vicinity". - Another was looking for Maconga... Turns out it was really "Macon, GA". Your tax dollars at work folks! = = = = = = = From: lee@sq.com (Liam Quin) Organization: SoftQuad Inc. Subject: ASCII is older than you think! I was looking at my 1837 copy of Johnson's Dictionary, when I came across the following entry: ASCII n s. [from the greek] Those people who, at certain times of the year, have no shadow at noon; such are the inhabitatants of the torrid zone. = = = = = = = From: daugher@cs.tamu.edu Organization: Texas A & M University Subject: instant disklike From today's Dallas Morning News: Andrew Lloyd Webber (author of the hit musical "Cats", etc.) is having trouble being taken seriously as a composer by critics. He complained to Alan Jay Lerner, "Why do they take an instant dislike to me?" Replied Lerner, "Because it saves time." -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.