@SUBJECT:The True News Digest part 10/22 Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny [Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = From: daugher@cs.tamu.edu (Walter C. Daugherity) Subject: What a Croc! On the news this morning, Florida governor Chiles defended his state's sale of 188 permits to hunters to kill up to 15 alligators each by saying that the income would be used for the Alligator Protection Program. Protection from what? = = = = = From: mark@armstrong.edu (Mark Eversoll) Subject: Bacon Cheeseburger Dilemma I stepped into a fast food place for lunch the other day. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger, to which the waitress replied: "Would you like bacon on that sir?" = = = = = From: BARENT@vm1.yorku.ca (Peter Landstreet) Subject: Here comes the son... From the Birth Announcements, Toronto Globe and Mail, July 13, 1991: B.A.G. (Brad) Riddoch and L.M. (Linda) Riddoch, the senior partners of Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch, formerly Riddoch and Riddoch, are pleased to announce the appointment of Blake Andrew Harrison Riddoch as Son. He will report jointly to Mr. and Mrs. Riddoch. As son Mr. Blake Riddoch's immediate responsibilities will include eating, crying, sleeping and waste management. He will be located at Head Office in Toronto. Blake assumed his responsibilities June 30, 1991 at 19:53 hours, weighing in at 7 pounds 13 ounces with placement by Dr. Josie Tenore. Formerly of The Womb, he brings 9 months extensive production and development experience to his new position. Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch is family owned and operated... = = = = = From: valentin@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Shawn V. Hernan) Subject: Sign in Movie Marquee Sign seen in the State College, PA Cineplex theater Marquee: 101 DALMATIONS DYING YOUNG = = = = = From: ping@isi.edu (Ping Luo) Organization: USC-ISI Subject: intelligent search I went to USC this morning doing my library search for articles on user interfaces. I saw rows of computers set there for on-line data base browsing. I sat there, logged in, chose Computer Science category, typed in "user interface" as key word for subject and I got a list of "hit records". One of the records says this: "Title: Do It Yourself -- Repairing Broken Windows." = = = = = From: klein@blsouth.UUCP (Michael Klein) Subject: Do you trust these guys? The Payne Elevator Company office in Cambridge, Mass. is in a single-story building. = = = = = From: dwallach@nas.nasa.gov (Dan Wallach) Subject: Banking humor Saw this sign today... FREE CHECKING FOR 117 YEARS Limited Time Offer = = = = = From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot) Subject: machine names I read this somewhere. You know how most laundromats have a number on each machine? At one apartment complex, they gave each machine in the laundry room a name, to make it easier to remember when reporting difficulties. This led to the following note appearing on the superintendent's door: Alice gets hot but won't tumble. = = = = = From: wickart@ichips.intel.com (Bill 'Prune' Wickart) Subject: Forecast *this*, Willard Scott! After a round of thunderstorms hit most of the USA on Tuesday, the 11 PM news had an interesting report: the usual set of today's highs and lows, rainfall amounts, and so on; a few satellite photos; some local interest shots. Then the weather guy got to the forecast: NONE. The National Weather Bureau's main forecasting station in D.C. was struck by lightning, taking out all their computers. No data, no crunchers, no forecast. But we did have a red sky at night, and the satellite photos helped. = = = = = From: wohltjen@shadow.ait.com (Amy Wohltjen) Subject: Computer generated humor Background -> I had ordered 5 CDs from Columbia House. They only shipped 4, however, demanding payment before sending the fifth. On the invoice was stated: "We must limit the amount of open charges. We are, therefore, holding SOME GIRLS until your balance has been paid... " I quickly submitted the ransom... Amy = = = = = From: zephyr@wraith.UUCP (Tom Mansfield) Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED From the top of the United Airlines flight safety brochure: "If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." = = = = = From: quinn@ee-cf.stanford.edu (Christine A. Quinn) Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED Seen on the front door of *Color Magic*, a color copy store in Mountain View, CA: +---------------------------+ | PUSH | | If that doesn't work then | | PULL | | If that doesn't work then | | We're closed. | +---------------------------+ = = = = = From: brucek@unicorn.sjc.mentorg.com (Bruce Klein) Subject: Good Doublespeak I called AAA to ask for an insurance quote, and their representative said: "I'm sorry, but the person I have available isn't available right now. Could I have someone call you back?" = = = = = From: jhildeb1@cc.swarthmore.edu (Jeff Hildebrand) Subject: The latest advanaces in police technology. For a few years a road near my parents house had the standard "Speed Limit 35" sign, with a smaller sign underneath which read: "Speed monitered by ESP device." I really wonder what would have happened if someone had challenged that in court. -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. 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