@SUBJECT:The True News Digest part 17/22 Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny [Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = From: blaise@emily.uvm.edu (Christopher Blaise) Working as a student consultant at the University of Vermont, I just had this little gem happen: A girl walks in wanting the latest version of Disinfectant. I smile and ask her if her Mac has many viruses. She laughs and replies "Gee, I probably have more viruses than my computer!" = = = = = From: MCGEE@nic.csu.net (RICH MCGEE) Subject: Rodeo Stimulation & Cattle Prod Joke I heard this from a friend of mine, who won't allow her name to be used. She says it's original with her, and wasn't meant to be a joke: While watching TV coverage of a Rodeo, one of the announcers happened to mention that some bull riders, in an effort to make their bulls more 'animated', poke them in the rump with a cattle prod. Thinking that this was cruel to the bull, she stated: "I guess some people will do anything for a buck." = = = = = From: MBADBH@rohvm1.UUCP (David B. Horvath, CDP) Organization: Hidden - I Don't Speak for Them. Subject: Grandma got run over by a raindeer - true story My wife overheard the following story: This woman's grandmother dies of natural causes right before christmas and while the arrangements are being made at the funeral home, the funeral director suggests that the grandmother's favorite christmas carol be played during the viewing. The woman/grandaughter breaks into laughter. Husband: Why are you laughing? That's not funny - it's a beautiful suggestion. Woman: It is a beautiful idea, but that's not why I'm laughing. Her favorite carol was: "Grandma got run over by a raindeer..." = = = = = From: pete@aix1.uottawa.ca (Peter Hickey) Subject: A true sportsman I guess that this indicates a true sportsman. A few days ago, my 9 year old son won a gold medal in a cross country ski race. After the awards, he didn't seem to be very happy. I asked him, "What's the matter Jean-Philippe, aren't you happy with our medal?" "No," he said, "I already have a gold and silver one. I wanted to win a bronze this time." = = = = = TO funny@clarinet.com FROM Steve Hoey (hoey@husc9.harvard.edu) SUBJECT Out of sight, out of mind! This is NOT a joke. I repeat, this is NOT a joke. This appeared on a poster hanging in the Wakefield, MA Public Library (my hometown). The poster was advertising "Tupperware Home Parties," and they listed some of their more attractive points: WE COOK, FREEZE, STORE, AND KEEP THE KIDS ENTERTAINED WITH OUR EDUCATIONAL TOYS Now, wouldn't you think that cooking, freezing, and storing kids would be ENOUGH entertainment? = = = = = From: mhr@ccicpg.UUCP (Mark Hull-Richter) Subject: Commercials Heard this one in a commercial for Thieves Market ( a "low price" shoe and boot seller here in SoCal) where they were claiming to have a "real" sale, not like those others: "Hey, it's our final going-out-of-business sale! You better hurry, because we can't keep going out of business like this forever!" = = = = = From: jhelbaum@phoenix.princeton.edu (Jason H. Elbaum) Subject: Talk about pain! The following headline and subheadline appeared on a genuine news article in the New York Times on Sunday, January 19, 1991 (at least in the edition I received): CLOSED BEACH TIED TO MAN ON BARGE ---------- Authorities Say Crew Member Takes Pain-Killer for Back ---------- [The article was about a barge worker who was taking pain-killing medicine and tossed his used syringes into the water; they washed up on the beach and authorities closed it.] = = = = = From: lester@naomi.b23b.ingr.com (Les Bartel) Subject: Horse for sale Seen in the Huntsville (Alabama) Times: FOR SALE: Horse with tact. = = = = = From: bedk@icsi.berkeley.edu (Brian E.D. Kingsbury) Subject: VP gets one right! Fresno, California January 16, 1992 "This president is going to lead us out of the recovery. It will happen." --- Vice President Dan Quayle = = = = = From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot) Subject: Things kids say "Daddy, did you know that the air that comes out of your nose smells like the bad stuff under a skunk's tail?" = = = = = From: vaigl-j@osc.edu Subject: Typo A quick typing mistake I made this morning that gave me a grin: >> hawkeye 374>cd / >> hawkeye 375>cd ussr >> ksh: ussr: not found >> hawkeye 376> = = = = = From: mark@drd.com (mark.lawrence) Subject: Mega_Hurts Brad, This was found by our Manager of Marketing in a local 'For Sale' flyer... Forwarded message: > Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 13:27:39 CST > From: jim (Jim.Williams) > Subject: Mega-Hurts > > I saw an ad in the Bargain Post this weekend and thought I would share > it with everybody. > > "286 12 mega hurts mother board with 1 mega ram." $120. Sand Springs. > > I wonder if they are selling due to a pain in the family. = = = = = From: sybase!ywang@sun.com (Yongdong Wang) Subject: coupon for GOD We got a book of coupons in the mail. One coupon reads like this: Special $3.99 all you can eat lunch. God only with coupon. = = = = = From: elle@midway.uchicago.edu (Ellen K. Seebacher) Subject: Real losers I was somewhat astonished to see, as I scanned this morning's "Chicago Tribune", a quarter-page ad proclaiming, in huge type, LOSE ALL YOUR WEIGHT FOR ONLY $68 * After trying to visualize the "After" pictures, I checked the footnote: * Weight Loss Weeks only (up to 100 lbs.) Well, that's a relief. -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@clari.net