@FROM :funny-request@clari.net @SUBJECT:The True News Digest part 7/22 Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny [Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = From: asylvain@felix.UUCP (Alvin) Subject: Your time will come. Saw this sign by the roadside at a monument company. (For those who don't know, a "monument company" are the people who carve tombstones.) "PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY WE CAN WAIT" = = = = = From: ben@duttnph.tudelft.nl (Ben Verwer) Subject: No warnings pleaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee The stardent compiler has a -w option: no warnings. ben [1] cc -w idontwantwarnings.c "idontwantwarnings.c", line 1: warning: 4 warnings suppressed by no warn option ben [2] = = = = = From: msoques@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques) Subject: who said they were a bunch of humorless stiffs? From the Wall St. Journal 4/25/91... Due to the high cost of and lack of space for burials, cemeterians [people who manage/administer/own cemeteries] have come out with a new slogan: "Make Money the Modern Way. Urn it!" = = = = = From: J.GERBER4@genie.com (Jim Gerber) Subject: Kennedy's Will Smith True story: Many years ago (well, a few) I came home from a business trip and showed my wife a bumper sticker I bought in the airport. It said: "More people died in Teddy Kennedy's car than at 3 mile island" (See, I'm pro Nuke and my wife isn't) She replied "Years from now, dozens of people my die at 3 Mile Island" I asked, "Is Teddy kennedy going to drive a busload of secretaries there?" She HIT me! = = = = = From: pardo@cs.washington.edu Subject: A visit by *which* queen? From a local radio station last week: During her visit, the queen was introduced to the director of the acclaimed movie ``Dances With Wolves'' [Kevin Costner]. She said ``I find it quite interesting to meet you. I have a cousin who is a photographer, you know.'' To which Kevin Costner replied ``And I'm quite happy to meet you; I have a cousin who's a queen, you know.'' = = = = = From: ROEBER@cithe1.cithep.caltech.edu (Frederick G. M. Roeber) Subject: Congress cancels freedom From a UPI news brief of 4 June 1991, about cuts in the space station budget: "A House committee, ignoring White House pleas, voted to kill Freedom...." (Note from Ant: Back before we joined up with the Russians, the station was named Space Station Freedom.) = = = = = From: pdb059@mipl3.jpl.nasa.gov Subject: Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires Quoting from an article in the JPL "Universe", a weekly newsletter-- "Field tests have begun on an airborne system to map wildlands fires being created for the U.S. Forest Service by JPL." My reaction: Why can't they create their own damn fires? = = = = = From: mokry@ctr.columbia.edu (Robert Mokry) Subject: hear, hear According to the May 1991 issue of Men's Health Newsletter: Swiss burglar Gregore Roman was convicted after investigators discovered that his ear matched ear prints on eleven crime victims' doors. = = = = = From: torng@cs.stanford.edu Subject: boxing I've noticed the following ad in Encina Gym on Stanford campus: 176 lb amateur boxer looking for sparring partner. No experience necessary. I'll pass. = = = = = From: bskendig@phoenix.princeton.edu (Brian Kendig) Subject: Freudian telnet? A conversation I unwittingly had with another CS major in the back row of the SPARC room in the computer science building, appropriately named "Foo Hall": We had both logged on to different SPARCs, and we were waiting for any signs of life -- a prompt, anything! -- but of course the fileserver was either down or far too overloaded to accommodate us, as usual. Her: "Seems like it's pretty tight today. How far can you get in?" Me: "I'm hung pretty well. We've just got to wait for it to come up." It took a few discreet stares from the people around us until we realized the implications of this exchange... = = = = = From: john@chance.UUCP (John R MacMillan) Subject: Old habits die hard [ This is true, and it's among the reasons I love Toronto. ] Yesterday a scruffy man extended a plastic cup towards me and asked if I could spare $50,000. I figure he used to be a lawyer. = = = = = From: rochberg-david@cs.yale.edu (David Rochberg) Subject: True story about a funny ad. As I was crossing the street on the way to my math final this morning, I saw a truck owned by the "Guaranteed Overnight Delivery" Corporation, or G.O.D. On the back of the truck was written "For service, call 1-800-CALL-GOD" = = = = = From: bill@pslu1.psl.wisc.edu (Bill Roth) Subject: No where but Wisconsin..... During the recent(national reported) food warehouse fire near Madison, Wisconsin, there were a few occasions for chuckles: The first was the local TV interview with an offical of the EPA, with a concertedly puzzled look on his face. His comment: We've dealt with environmental contamination from chemicals, and of course, oil...umm, but never from butter. Also: Other places, like Alaska and New Jersey, have oil spills, but only in Wisconsin would you have a CHEESE SPILL. = = = = = From: mckusick@ptolemy.arc.nasa.gov (Kate McKusick) Subject: Home Boy **NEWS YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED** Nike Commercial Just Doesn't Do It Dr. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnatti who spent two years in Kenya studying the Samburu tribe, took particular note when he saw a new commercial for Nike running shoes. The comercial depicts Samburu tribesmen running in northern Kenya. The camera slowly pans down to show them wearing new Nikes. One of the tribesmen speaks in the Maa language, and a subtitle flashes Nike's latest slogan: "Just do it." Not exactly a literal translation, said Cronk, who knows the language. "What he is really saying is, 'I don't want these. Give me big shoes.'" "I don't think he had anything against Nikes. I'm sure he thought they were great shoes. I don't see why they should change it. It is really kind of harmless." --from the Funny Times "Monthly Newspaper of Humor, Politics & Fun" Cleveland Heights, OH == Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. Sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp. (http://www.clari.net)