LAWYER JOKES
 
 
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and
many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord
Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to
donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?"
said the Justice, "Only a shilling to
bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go
and bury 20 more of them."
 
--- 
 
Carlson was charged with stealing a
Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
the jury acquitted him. Later that day
Carlson came back to the judge who had
presided at the hearing.
    "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get
out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of
mine."
    "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won
your acquittal. What do you want to
have him arrested for ?"
    "Well, your honor," replied
Carlson, "I didn't have the money to
pay his fee, so he went and took the
car I stole."
  
---
  
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves
together before the Pearly Gates. After
a small quantum of time which was spent
discussing their respective professions
ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to
their new Heavenly station.  After
passing out wings, harps, halos and
such, St. Pete decides to show them to
their new lodgings. Only a brief flight
from the welcome, Pete brings them down
on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted,
natch) of a huge palatial estate with
all sorts of lavish trappings. This,
Pete announces, is where the lawyer
will be spending eternity, (at least
until the end of time..) "Hot Dang",
the Pope says to His-self, "If he's
getting a place like this, I can
hardly wait to see my digs!". They take
flight once again, and as Pete leads
on, the landscape below begins to
appear more and more mundane until they
finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the
third walkup on the left as the Popes
new domicile and turns to leave,
wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope,
in a mild state of astonishment, cries
out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here?
You put that lawyer-feller in a
beautiful estate home and I, spiritual
leader of terra-firma, end up with
this dive?"
 
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and
replys: "Look here old fellow, this
street is practically encrusted with
spiritual leaders from many times and
religions. We're putting you here with
them so you guys can get your dogma
together. That other guy gets an estate,
because he's the first (non-)damned
lawyer to make it up here!!"
 
---
 
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute
over precedence. They referred it to
Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the
lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go
first, and the executioner follow."
 
---
 
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a
woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied,
"ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer
to that question."
  
---
 
      On visiting a seriously ill
lawyer in the hospital, his friend
found him sitting up in bed,
frantically leafing through the Bible.
   "What are you doing?"
   "Looking for loopholes," replied
the lawyer.
 
 
---

   Three Surgeons were discussing
what group of professionals they
felt was the easiest to oppereate
on.....
   The first said that it had to be
architects, "because, everything
inside is laid out so neatly."
   The second disagreed, saying,
"it has to be the Electronics
Engineer, because everything is
color coded.
   The third declared that both of
them were mistaken, adding that he
was convinced that the easiest
professional to opperate on was a
lawyer.  When asked to explain, he
replied:
   "Well, they have no hearts.
They have no guts...and both ends
are interchangable."

---

Since most Politicians are Lawyers....
 
Two philosophers were sitting at a
restaurant, discussing whether or not
there was a difference between
misfortune and disaster.
  "There is most certainly a
difference," said one.  "If the cook
suddenly died and we couldn't have our
dinner, that would be a misfortune ___
but certainly not a disaster.  On the
other hand, if a cruise ship carrying
the Congress were to sink in the middle
of the ocean, that would be a disaster
___ but by no stretch of the
imagination would it be a misfortune."