Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 16:41:26 -0800 (PST)
From: Lisa Ann Serrano <batgirl@ecs.fullerton.edu>
Subject: Men vs. Women (fwd)


> >  NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
> >  
> >  Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
> >  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
> >  topics, these facts have emerged.
> >  
> >  Relationships:
> >  
> >  First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
> >  refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-
> >  regular basis".
> >  
> >  When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
> >  her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
> >  Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
> >  
> >  A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
> >  break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
> >  just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
> >  you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to
> >  know that there's always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I
> >  Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have
> >  made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses
> >  to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
> >  effective.
> >  
> >  Sex:
> >  
> >  Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
> >  foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
> >  foreplay.
> >  
> >  Maturity:
> >  
> >  Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
> >  function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
> >  cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high
> >  school romances rarely work out.
> >  
> >  Magazines:
> >  
> >  Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women's
> >  magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the
> >  female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy
> >  and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.  Men are turned
> >  on at the sight of a naked woman's body.  Most naked men elicit
> >  laughter from women.
> >  
> >  Handwriting:
> >  
> >  To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
> >  chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
> >  their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large
> >  loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note
> >  from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
> >  at the end of the note.
> >  
> >  Comedy:
> >  
> >  Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
> >  television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
> >  Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
> >  uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
> >  favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
> >  out.
> >  
> >  Bathrooms:
> >  
> >  A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
> >  shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
> >  Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
> >  437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
> >  
> >  Groceries:
> >  
> >  A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
> >  and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his
> >  fridge are half a lime and a beer.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He
> >  buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reached the
> >  checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car
> >  on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going
> >  to the 10-items-or-less lane.
> >  
> >  Shoes:
> >  
> >  When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and
> >  then slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a
> >  plastic bag from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
> >  dress shoes.  Five minutes later she will kick them off because her
> >  feet are under the desk.  A man will wear the same pair of shoes all
> >  day.
> >  
> >  Leg Warmers:
> >  
> >  Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
> >  the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any
> >  time she wants.  A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning
> >  for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
> >  
> >  Going Out:
> >  
> >  When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
> >  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
> >  to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
> >  makeup...
> >  
> >  Cats:
> >  
> >  Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
> >  looking, men kick cats.
> >  
> >  Offspring:
> >  
> >  Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
> >  dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
> >  and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is
> >  vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
> >  
> >  Low Blows:
> >  
> >  Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of
> >  the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That
> >  must have hurt."  The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS
> >  the pain.
> >  
> >  Dressing Up:
> >  
> >  A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
> >  garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will
> >  dress up for: weddings, funerals.
> >  
> >  David Letterman:
> >  
> >  Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
> >  Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
> >  haircut.
> >  
> >  Laundry:
> >  
> >  Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
> >  of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
> >  eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally
> >  out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
> >  U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always
> >  expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth
> >  perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
> >  
> >  Weddings:
> >  
> >  When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men
> >  talk about "the bachelor party".
> >  
> >  Socks:
> >  
> >  Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.  Women
> >  wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that
> >  have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the
> >  back.
> >  
> >  Nicknames:
> >  
> >  If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
> >  will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
> >  Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
> >  affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
> >  Peanut-Brain and Useless.
> >  
> >  
> >  Eating out:
> >  
> >  .. and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
> >  in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will
> >  have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
> >  back.  When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
> >  calculators.
> >  
> >  Mirrors:
> >  
> >  Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
> >  Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
> >  shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
> >  Garagiola's head.
> >  
> >  Menopause:
> >  
> >  When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
> >  complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The
> >  nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
> >  Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator
> >  glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
> >  shopping for a Porsche.
> >  
> >  The Telephone:
> >  
> >  Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the telephone
> >  to send short messages to other people.  A woman can visit her
> >  girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
> >  same friend and they will talk for three hours.
> >  
> >  Directions:
> >  
> >  If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
> >  surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
> >  Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men will never stop and
> >  ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the
> >  while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get
> >  there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood.  I recognize
> >  that 7-11 store."
> >  
> >  Admitting Mistakes:
> >  
> >  Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who
> >  admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
> >  
> >  Richard Gere:
> >  
> >  Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.  Men
> >  hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
> >  at the health club and dates only married women.
> >  
> >  Madonna:
> >  
> >  Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.
> >  
> >  Toys:
> >  
> >  Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of
> >  11 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession
> >  with toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
> >  and silly and impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature
> >  TV's.  Car phones.  Complicated juicers and blenders.  Graphic
> >  equalizers.  Small robots that serve cocktails on command.  Video
> >  games.  Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
> >  batteries to operate.
> >  
> >  Plants:
> >  
> >  A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The
> >  man waters the plants.  The woman comes home five or six days later to
> >  an apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.
> >  
> >  Cameras:
> >  
> >  Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for
> >  state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
> >  classes.  Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.  Of course women always
> >  end up taking better pictures.
> >  
> >  Locker Rooms:
> >  
> >  In the locker room men talk about three things:  money, football, and
> >  women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
> >  as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
> >  Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex.  And not in
> >  abstract terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and technical, and
> >  they never lie.
> >  
> >  Garages:
> >  
> >  Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.  Men
> >  use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages,
> >  they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
> >  garages.
> >  
> >  Movies:
> >  
> >  Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
> >  This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
> >  by a man.  The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is
> >  Richard Gere.  This is another reason why men hate him.
> >  
> >  Jewelry:
> >  
> >  Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with
> >  wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will look
> >  like a lounge singer named Vic.
> >  
> > 
> > 
> 
> 
> ______________________________________________________________________________
> Stacey Wacknov             |"I walk away from light and sound, down stair-
> staceyw@casbah.acns.nwu.edu|ways underground/But still the warmth flows
> Northwestern Univ. '95     |through me/And I sense you know me well/No luck,
> ***************************|no golden chance/No mitigating circumstances
> NU 27  Wake Forest 14      |now/It's only common sense/There are no
> GO CATS!!!  Bowl Bound!    |accidents around here..."  --Peter Gabriel
> ___________________________|__________________________________________________
> 
> 
>