MICROSOFT NUKES WASHINGTON
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REDMOND  --World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear
test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The
device, exploded at9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 PM EDT) today,
was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US
Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.


"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products
by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates.
"Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would
be few tears shedin the computer industry if Washington, DC
(not Washington State) were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."


Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I
nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained
University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At
first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn,
there goes the mountain bike vacation."


In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government
would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later,
the President reversed his decision.  "We've tried sanctions
since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead,
the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive
engagement" with Microsoft.


Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said
the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the
Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only
did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium"
in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place
to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."

Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products
with rival operating systems. "I can neitherconfirm nor deny
the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside
of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone
who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on
the Internet is going to get what they deserve."


The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor
would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel
Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat
than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of
MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."


Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway
in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems.
"They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one
source close to the project. The development of a delivery
system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb
anywhere is still a dream at the moment."


Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve
Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry
Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against
Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed
in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around
when they drop that product a second time."


At the closing bell on the Exchange, Microsoft shares rose
12% for an all time high, while confidence dipped in the US
government (GOV), lowering its shares by 3% for one day
drop in market capitalization of $800 Billion.