From a Showtime special 
   with Jeff Foxready from Atlanta.
 
 
You might be a Redneck if....
 
--  Your richest relative buys a home
    and asks you to help take its
    wheels off
 
--  Your mother doesn't remove the 
    Marlboro from her mouth while
    telling the state trooper what to
    do with himself

--  You refer to the fifth grade as
    your senior year

--  Your front porch collapses and
    kills more than three dogs

--  You consider hub caps to be lawn
    improvements

--  You have folks ask permission to
    hunt in your front yard

--  Going to the bathroom in the
    middle of the night involves
    tennis shoes and a flashlight

--  What you owe the taxidermist is
    more than your annual income

--  The UFO hotline limits you to 1
    call per day

--  You've ever used lard in bed

--  You think potted meat and saltines
    are an hors d'oevre

--  There is a stuffed possum mounted
    anywhere in your house

--  You consider a six-pack of beer
    and watching a bug-zapper quality
    entertainment

--  Less than half of the cars you own
    still run

--  The main color of your car is
    "primer"

--  Your family tree doesn't fork

--  Your wife's hairdo has ever been
    caught in a ceiling fan

--  Your mother has ever been involved
    in a fist fight at a high school
    sports event

--  You've ever Bar-B-Qued spam on the
    grill

--  The neighbors started a petition
    concerning your Christmas lights

--  Your brother-in-law is your uncle

--  You have refused to watch the
    Academy Awards since Smokey & The
    Bandit was snubbed for best
    picture

--  The rear tires on your car are
    twice as wide as the front ones

--  You consider True Story or Field &
    Stream deep reading

--  You prominently display a gift you
    purchased at Graceland

--  The diploma hanging in your den
    includes the words "Trucking
    Institute"

--  Your mother keeps a spit cup on
    the ironing board

--  You've ever worn a tube top to a
    wedding

--  You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia
    leader

--  You think beef sticks and moon
    pies are two of the major food
    groups

--  You think Campho-Phenique is a
    miracle drug

--  You have more than two brothers
    named Bubba or Junior

--  You think the styrofoam cooler is
    the greatest invention of all time

--  You have a rag for a gas cap

--  You had a toothpick in your mouth
    when your wedding pictures were
    taken

--  You've ever used a weed eater
    indoors

--  Your lifetime goal is to own a
    fireworks stand

--  You have a fly-strip hanging above
    the kitchen table

--  Your matchbook doubles as a
    toothpick

--  You've ever financed a tatoo

--  You've ever been too drunk to FISH

--  You've ever made change in the
    offering plate

--  You've ever cut your grass and 
    found a car

--  Everyday somebody comes to your
    door mistakenly thinking you're
    having a yard-sale

--  You see a sign saying, "Say NO
    to crack!" reminding you to pull
    up your jeans

--  You've been on TV more than three
    times describing what the tornado
    sounded like