True Funnies from the
         Canadian/British Press.
 

A woman who had been married to her
husband for many years had found out
that he was having an affair.  She
opted to kill herself.  She jumped
out of their third story apartment, to
meet her death.  Instead she landed on
a man and killed him.  She survived
without a scratch.  The man was her
husband!
 
                 -=-
An American woman was contemplating
suicide.  She climbed to the top of
the Empire State Building to attempt
her jump.  She stood on the 66Th.
floor and jumped...  A big gust of
wind picked her up and blew her onto
the 64Th. floor.  She is still alive
today.
 
                 -=-
One day, Bruce Forsythe was getting
into a taxi with a friend.  The driver
didn't seem to be excited or notice
that he was famous at all.  So Bruce
said "Don't you know who I am?" "No,"
the driver replied.  "I'm Bruce
Forsythe!".  The driver then said,
"Yeah!  Well if you're Bruce Forsythe,
then I'm James Bond!".  Bruce's friend
then said "No your not, I am!" It was
Sean Connery!
 
                 -=-
A man planned a big robbery on a DIY
store.  What could go wrong?  Well, he
entered the building and took
everything that he wanted and walked
to the exit.  Looking around, he saw
hundreds of doors.  The door section
of the store was at the exit.  He
couldn't figure out which door to
take, and got so confused that he kept
trying all of them.  The police
eventually arrived and caught him.
 
                 -=-
A woman in North America has a problem
with driving, or rather driving tests.
She has taken and failed a Guiness
record of over 250 tests.
 
                 -=-
The record for the most consecutive car
accidents goes to an American lady.
She once had over 20 accidents in one
single day.  That day, she drove
through a subway, on the path, knocked
over two people, hit and damaged three
other cars, caused hundreds of pounds
of damage, drove the wrong way down a
one way street - four times, failed to
stop at many traffic lights and
eventually parked in a no parking zone.
And this was when she was sober!
 
                 -=-
An American couple (Isn't it funny that
it always seems to be Americans?) had a
child and couldn't think of a nice name
for it.  They eventually decided on the
worst name anybody in the entire world
could have: Depressed Cupboard
Cheesecake  (I'm not joking!).
 
                 -=-
A man called the police to report that
he had spotted a safe that had been
dumped in a nearby field.  The police
eventually arrived and tried to move
it, but to no avail.  They spent an
hour trying different techniques, until
a special crane was brought in.  This
did not help, until somebody pointed
out that the safe was in fact the
electricity boards junction box!
 
                 -=-
A veterinary surgeon was called in to
tend to an ill cow.  The cow was
looking very bloated, as if somebody
had stuck a bicycle pump in its mouth
and started filling it with air.  The
vet was looking at the cow and he
decided  to push a tube up its arse to
let the gas out.  However, after he
had done this, nothing came out.  He
then sat down behind the cow looking
very puzzled and lit a cigarette.
Then, all of the gas from the cow
suddenly erupted from out of the tube.
The cigarette lit the gas, and the barn
that they were in was blown up.  Nobody
was hurt.
 
                -=-
An American bank robber walked calmly
into a bank and handed the cashier a
note.  It said "I have a gun, give me
all your money".  The cashier gave him
all of the money and the man walked
out.  The police were waiting for him
when he arrived back at his house.  His
name and address were written on the
back of the note.
 
                -=-
Two men were in jail in America.  They
had made an escape plan and hoped to
dig a tunnel from their cell to the
outside world.  They spent months
digging the hole, and finally came to
the surface.  They popped their heads
out of the hole to find three guns
pointed at them.  They had dug their
way into a police station.
 
                -=-
In America, there was a bank robber who
had meticulously planned how he would
enter the bank just before it closed
and steal the money.  He stood outside
the bank and ran towards the door.
When he reached the door, it didn't
open and he knocked himself
unconscious.  The bank had closed 3
minutes early due to no customers.
 
                -=-
A double barrel shotgun can hold up to
two cartridges.  There was a man who
went out shooting ducks one day.  He
wasn't having any luck at all until
suddenly a duck appeared out of the
trees and started to fly away.  The man
fired both barrels at the duck and
missed.  The duck became very angry,
turned around and started heading for
the man.  Then, the duck started
diving downwards and hit the man in the
head, breaking his glasses and knocking
him out.  The duck then flew away.
 
                -=-
There were a group of parachutists in
America.  One day they all decided to
go out for a jump.  They all kitted out
and got into a plane.  The plane took
them to the right height, and the first
man jumped.  The second man looked out
and realized that the first man hadn't
pulled his rip cord.  In fact, he had
pulled it, but it had snapped.  There
was nothing the man could do except
fall.  He hurtled towards the ground,
heading for a house.  He missed the
house and landed in the garden with a
thump.  He then got up and walked away,
completely unharmed.  The man is now
still jumping.
 
                -=-
There was a lady in Israel.  She was
cleaning the house.  When she came to
do the bathroom, a cockroach jumped
out from behind a basket.  She picked
it up on a piece of paper a threw it
in the toilet.  She then proceeded to
spray half a can of insect repellant
on it, and flushed the toilet.  Later,
her husband came home from work and
went to the toilet.  He sat down to
read the newspaper with a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he
threw the butt into the toilet bowl.
The toilet, which was filled with
insect repellant then blew up.
Giving the man severe problems, to
say the least!
 
As he was being taken away down the
stairs on a stretcher, the story was
being related to the carriers of the
stretcher.  After hearing the story
they began to laugh so much, they
dropped the stretcher, and the poor
man received two broken legs.
               -=-

Let's end on a joke.....

There was a man who hi-jacked a bus
full of Japanese tourists and stole
their money.  Fortunately the police
now have 5,000 photographs of the
thief.